Sunday, September 25, 2011

I will rise ... up from these ashes ...

Fire. September has been filled with fires, both real and figurative.

Though I know God is taking me somewhere and will bring beauty from ashes ... this is not the post I wanted to be writing. About now was when I was planning to tell the world that on July 14th, we found out we were pregnant.

Our personal firestorm started on September 2nd. After spotting off and on throughout the pregnancy, something was suddenly different. Since the Labor Day weekend was coming, the midwife at the birth center we had chosen recommended I come in, have an ultrasound, and we wouldn't have to worry over the long weekend. I told myself in a few hours, I'd be going home feeling silly, but with a beautiful picture of our tiny unborn child.

Instead, I watched as if not in my own body as the ultrasound tech found an empty gestational sac measuring seven and a half weeks ... I should have been closing in on eleven weeks. And so the wait began as we mourned our little one who just wasn't made for this world.

Sunday we found out our physical world was burning as well. A fire raged out of control in Bastrop, destroying about 95% of one of our favorite state parks close enough for "getting away for the day" ... and in the end close to 1500 homes. In town, Steiner Ranch was burning ... evacuated. An affluent part of town in a non-coastal area that you just never imagine fleeing from nature with nothing but the clothes on their back.

Eerie photo from Bastrop State Park taken by Texas Parks and Wildlife

Even the theme of the books I was reading this month (The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins) dealt with the fire of revolution ... exciting, but painful. [A good read by the way, though a little depressing at times. She kinda leaves you hanging between books 2 and 3, which I don't like ... but she does wrap it up in the end].

And just last week, I found out the the Boundary Waters is on fire as well ... over 100,000 acres burned. It came very close to where we were on our trip, but stayed a few lakes over. While it is easy to imagine Texas burning this summer, after countless days above 100 degrees and little rain to speak of ... but the Boundary Waters? In the land of 10,000 lakes? I know it isn't, but it almost felt like a cruel joke.

BWCA Sept 2011 (109)
Terrifying photos a camper shared on Flickr take during their recent BWCA trip
I stayed home from work a good bit, waiting on the inevitable that never came. My return to work happened in stages, as the slightest poorly executed comment could send me crashing. Last Tuesday, I went for a follow-up sonogram ... which confirmed my feelings that the miscarriage was not over. After a "first available" appointment with my OB/GYN, a D and C was scheduled for two days ago - he thoughtfully diagnosed a blighted embryo.

With most of my initial mourning behind me, I feel somewhat energized by the fact that my body is now catching up with what my mind and my heart already know. I'm starting to have hope again. And while God will bring beauty from the ashes of our personal fire, I know he can from the wildfires raging in places we love as well. As so many have said, just look at Yellowstone. Look at the mythical phoenix.

I know only He can use this for something beautiful, and I have faith that He will. We will always miss you, Lil Bit.