Thursday, September 3, 2015

Be Still and Know

Four years ago today, God spoke to me.

Every so often, I hear God speak so very clearly. It's usually when I am low and weak. It isn't necessarily a voice, or in my head ... but it is unmistakable.

This morning ... a verse that is most comforting to me in my busy, noisy mind popped up not once ... but twice ... it was included in both my devotionals. It is the verse God spoke to me four years ago in the middle of a crowd when I thought I was going to loose it in public.

A Cup of Joy: Moments of Faith to Enrich Your Day

Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace In His Presence 
It was the first year of our marriage, and we were expecting a little missionary baby from our trip to Nicaragua ... Lil Bit. Every week I was looking at what Lil Bit looked like, did our baby already have a nose? Amazing! What size fruit was he or she?

Somewhere along the way something started not feeling right. One morning I stood crying on Tim's shoulder in our apartment kitchen, sobbing that I didn't feel pregnant anymore. Surely it was just nerves.

But I began spotting. And spotting. And spotting. Never enough to be sure something was wrong, but enough that I was a nervous wreck. Finally we decided to go in to the birth center we had picked out and even given a deposit to. They felt like everything was normal, but offered to let us have a sonogram if that would make us feel better.

It didn't. I knew without a doubt I should be ten weeks along, and I knew that the empty bubble measuring seven weeks on the screen wasn't what we should be seeing. The tech asked if perhaps I was off on my dates. Everything went quiet. We met with the midwife, something in me still holding out a glimmer of hope ... but she came in and hugged me and said what everyone says when they don't know what to say: "I'm so sorry."

So on September 2nd, I stood outside a building that I would never enter again ... sobbing in my husband's strong arms and wondering how I could get past this. How long would I have to wait for the horror to be over. I did what any sensible girl does when she doesn't know what to do. Ran to momma.

And it was on September 3rd that we had gone to Canton. Distraction is a great medicine isn't it? We were in one of the pavilions and suddenly it felt like there were children and babies everywhere. "No no no!" I screamed inside "Not this ... not the why not me-s and the I wonder what-s." I tore my eyes from a mother kneeling down to comfort a baby in a stroller ...

I actually think it was this same business
My vision filled with crosses. I wasn't hallucinating and it wasn't the tears threatening to spill out shattering my focus. It was an honest-to-goodness wall of crosses. Like a voice out of heaven, the one that came into focus said "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)

A gift my dear friend Leah found for me after I told her this story
Everything went still in the middle of that crowded marketplace. And I knew. It was going to be ok. God was with me. He loved our unborn child who would never be born as much ... more than ... we did. Life continued. We still miss Lil Bit, especially on days like today. This flawed life is temporary and our little brief missionary was a messenger that God is near us even when the world asks how could He be?

And today God spoke to me again. I cried a little. I cherish Lil Bit and I hugged Shelby and Victoria a little tighter than they would have liked this morning. He is good all the time, even in the midst of our sorrows, and it is good to be still and get to know that about Him.

1 comment:

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! I am thankful you were here!