Sunday, April 26, 2015

Urine

Pee. Tee tee. Whatever you want to call it, God saw fit to make it one of the ways we flush toxins and regulate our bodies. But right now I really kinda wish once a day we sneezed out little butterflies instead.

It's what I often need to do but can't until I'm finally so desperate I can't stop Shelby from "cleaning" the rocks in my shower (and getting Dawn/vinegar in her eyes) and Victoria is clinging to my pants as if to life itself as I try to pull them back up.

It's what I've spent the last eon several months trying to convince Shelby is best done in the potty.

Whatever my expectations were, emotional wasn't one of them.

We got the potty early, because sometimes she waited to pee till we were changing her. Hooray, so many little mid-air dangling successes!

She's never been afraid of the potty. She's never cried when we threw a diaper away, thinking some part of her was going away (no really - I've read some kids feel that way about it).

It felt like she was getting ready around 20 months old. But we were living in someone else's home, and Tori was coming. I was big and pregnant and tired. I knew that, even if we succeeded, she'd probably regress once little sister arrived.

I am not exaggerating; I think potty training has so far been the most frustrating, annoying, and hard thing I've ever done. And personally, even though I'm a spoiled American, I think that's saying a lot. Ain't no spring chickadee here.

First we tried just kinda noticing the potty, hey look this is what mommy does, isn't that diaper yucky? Here, have a jellybean! YAY I'm so proud of you (and I really am).

Then between Thanksgiving and Christmas I said WE. ARE. DOING. THIS. I was so psyched. I read the book. I read the blogs. We were doing three day potty training. Boot camp, basic training, Navy SEALs, Momma's not taking no for an answer, we aren't leaving the house or wearing pants until this is done potty training.

I'm done with this ... lets go outside.

Tell that to my stubborn, strong-willed Shelby. She's too much like her momma.

At first, it was exciting. YAY panties! YAY potty! OH HURRY you're going pee pee that means its time to run to the potty! Praise praise, nothing but positive.

While inside I was dying. It'll click any minute, right? We're running out of time. It's been almost three days. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't stay in the house any longer. I can't slip and almost fall in any more 10 foot rivers of urine.

Finally, I sat Shelby down and asked "Where does pee pee belong?"

Shelby, dutifully "Pee pee on floor!"

I'd take a picture of the face I probably made, but somehow I think a reenactment wouldn't do it justice. Forget that. I broke the number one rule I had made cheat-sheet notecards for and went back to diapers. I gave up.

I bought pull-ups. Look at the cool color-changing picture! Look at the princesses! Try to keep the princesses dry!

Shelby, (with a butt-dragging, obviously soggy, sagging diaper), is your diaper wet? "No I dry!" Thanks a lot, sodium polyacrylate.

Even when I let her choose the pull ups (she wanted the boy ones, with Sulley, Lightening McQueen, and Buzz Lightyear ... what can I say, she has good taste!) she simply does not care that Sulley is sopping wet. She doesn't even care if her nightgown is wet. Or pants. Socks, wet pair? Don't care.

I sat her down for the 10 millionth time and told her ... pee pee and poop go in the potty. It isn't normal to have them against your bottom all day. It will feel better and be quicker to use the potty! Potty potty potty! Big potty, little potty ... pick one!

Yes, I have an ancient picture of myself with an ancient potty in Seattle. I wouldn't be smiling if I knew what was coming...
If you aren't going to use the potty, we are going back to cloth diapers - mommy and daddy don't want to spend ALL our money on pull ups ... do you want to go back to cloth diapers? No?

Yes. You do. Because you just will. NOT. USE. THE. LAVATORY.

Other bloggers and friends talk about how they "potty trained" and how it just kinda happened. Yeah we showed her the potty and panties and she had a couple of accidents and now we're potty trained!

goioiehreroneorneifhdsuoiaphgoknsaoipdnfsdaokfndiusioaphgiudonalsdf!!!!!!!!!

But every time I try to give up, she does something like tell me it is time for a nap, ask to go sit on the potty, and pee pee.

Maybe she and Victoria will potty train at the same time? Or never? Right now it feels like never.

She won't be going to prom in Depends ... I know that. But ugh. Maybe soggy diapers never bothered me anyway.


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