How to Take a Walk With a Baby (based on my walking experiences with Shelby).
1. Get a good stroller. You don't want to add frustrating variables like trying to push an umbrella stroller with one hand over uneven terrain. (See step 4). Better yet, get a cup holder and take water. You'll need it if step 6 occurs.
2. Get a baby. Preferably one with the attention span of a butterfly. Who doesn't nap and views safety straps as torture devices.
3. Feed baby and change diaper. This will help assuage the guilt you feel when baby acts hungry and/or poops (see step 8).
4. Don't walk further from the house than you are a) willing to push a crying and pouting baby ... past other people's houses or b) willing to push a stroller with one hand (see step 1) and carry said baby (this does not guarantee baby will stop crying).
5. Please pick an interesting route. The cushy track is not interesting (see step 2). Baby's enjoyment of the walk will undoubtably end at the furthest point on the track from the gate.
6. If baby falls asleep [insert flashy invincibility star music from Super Mario Brothers] you've just won some cardio! Keep walking! Remember step 2 and no matter how tired you get, keep going! This totally counts as a nap! Hope you listened to step 1, sweaty mom!
7. In your elation over achieving step 6, don't forget step 4! Passing outside of your comfort radius is like going outside a forcefield and baby will wake up unhappy.
8. "They see me rollin..." Fresh air will release any poop that's been holding out since your last walk. See step 3. Once this happens baby is officially ridin dirty, and you will get "that song" stuck in your head for the rest of the day. Go to step 9 if your baby has a sensitive bottom or if you worry about blowouts.
9. If baby starts crying, immediately start walking towards home as if it is a flashing beacon and you're in enemy territory. If she stops, consider continuing your walk but tighten your radius from step 4.
You CAN have good walks with your baby. It just takes some practice, avoiding crossing paths with Murphy, and not getting cocky and trying to cheat the steps listed above. After a few successful walks you may even find yourself thinking you might run again someday after all. Or not.
*steps are subject to change based on variables such as: the weather, baby's age, baby's mood, how many bumps you hit, how many dogs bark at you, how many cars drive by, how fast the cars drive by, spiders on your stroller, securely attached toys becoming mysteriously detached and ejected from stroller, dropped burp cloths, high volumes of spit-up ...