This wait, waiting to hear about my interview and if I'll get to move back to Austin and have the stability of a decent paying job that I really enjoy, and waiting for our wedding day to arrive ... has me pretty emotional and tense. I thought I'd handle it pretty well - the interview results are now completely out of my control. And I'm afraid that may be exactly what is driving me up the wall.
I find myself frustrated that I don't even know how to mentally (and physically in the case that I do get the job) prepare. Do I start packing boxes? Do I start asking around for a room to rent? Or do I get ready to "suck it up" and be strong for the next six months, and start looking for plan B as far as work is concerned? Be strong - which immediately reminds me that ... "he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I don't have to be strong. I can't be strong.
Why am I trying to? Why do I think it is up to me? Deep down, I don't think I really want to be in control - but at the same time, some emotion (probably fear) makes me grasp for the wheel.
As much as I am enjoy the crafty (arts and crafts ... don't be thinking witchy just because it is Halloween ;-) ) parts of planning for the wedding, some things just stress me out. Thankfully, I have a wonderfully calm and loving, patient fiance who helps me remember why we want to have our closest friends and family present rather than Elvis in a rhinestone jumpsuit (bleh).
I can't control our guests expectations, or some of the facts of life that make drawing up a guest list or decide who does and who doesn't get a corsage or boutineer not necessarily the easiest decisions. Sometimes I lack tact, and feel that people should come and enjoy themselves without expectations. Then it was pointed out to me that some of these things are an honor more than a chore, and asking someone to do a couple of the chore parts (dress straightening, bouquet holding) without the honor is pretty jerky.
Sometimes I live in my own little world ... "population me" ... and I don't want to! It's not about "me!" God didn't make me to live as an island, and the desire He put in my heart is not for that either!
I don't want to be a Martha - so why is it that I seem to have a natural tendency to do so ... when my heart wants to sit at Jesus feet in rest like Mary did?