Sunday, October 31, 2010

Control Freak?

Sometimes I wonder if I don't have a little control freak in me that wants to come out ... not to play, but to be in charge. Perhaps its some vestige of being an oldest sibling, or just part of the inherent sin nature that tries to hang around until that glorious day when we go home.

This wait, waiting to hear about my interview and if I'll get to move back to Austin and have the stability of a decent paying job that I really enjoy, and waiting for our wedding day to arrive ... has me pretty emotional and tense. I thought I'd handle it pretty well - the interview results are now completely out of my control. And I'm afraid that may be exactly what is driving me up the wall.

I find myself frustrated that I don't even know how to mentally (and physically in the case that I do get the job) prepare. Do I start packing boxes? Do I start asking around for a room to rent? Or do I get ready to "suck it up" and be strong for the next six months, and start looking for plan B as far as work is concerned? Be strong - which immediately reminds me that ... "he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I don't have to be strong. I can't be strong.

Why am I trying to? Why do I think it is up to me? Deep down, I don't think I really want to be in control - but at the same time, some emotion (probably fear) makes me grasp for the wheel.

As much as I am enjoy the crafty (arts and crafts ... don't be thinking witchy just because it is Halloween ;-) ) parts of planning for the wedding, some things just stress me out. Thankfully, I have a wonderfully calm and loving, patient fiance who helps me remember why we want to have our closest friends and family present rather than Elvis in a rhinestone jumpsuit (bleh).

I can't control our guests expectations, or some of the facts of life that make drawing up a guest list or decide who does and who doesn't get a corsage or boutineer not necessarily the easiest decisions. Sometimes I lack tact, and feel that people should come and enjoy themselves without expectations. Then it was pointed out to me that some of these things are an honor more than a chore, and asking someone to do a couple of the chore parts (dress straightening, bouquet holding) without the honor is pretty jerky.

Sometimes I live in my own little world ... "population me" ... and I don't want to! It's not about "me!" God didn't make me to live as an island, and the desire He put in my heart is not for that either!

I don't want to be a Martha - so why is it that I seem to have a natural tendency to do so ... when my heart wants to sit at Jesus feet in rest like Mary did?

3 comments:

  1. What a wonderful post, Amanda. In a way, I couldn't relate to it more because of all this "grad school v. not" war that I've been having within me. I KNOW that I shouldn't worry, and that I should let HIM guide my every step. But stubborn ol' me comes out and wants to be in charge and make a decision without Him. What a humbling experience it is to realize that you're being a dummy, basically. I guess we call that "being human".

    Oh, wedding guest list.. I feel for you..! That's one of the toughest things to do, especially when you can't afford to have absolutely everyone you know there. Don't know if we've mentioned this to ya, but Sam and I were thinking about going to Bullard a few days before the big day so we can help whichever way you need us to :) Let me know if there's anything I can do now. I'll be SO SO happy to help! :)

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  3. I know exactly how you feel Amanda. I don't want to be in control either because I know God's way is better, but I have such a hard time loosening my grip on the things I want to control in my life.

    Good post!!

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